I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
