so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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