I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
