FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
