So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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