Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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