I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I can text with my tongue
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think your dad took our porno
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
