Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
