When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
