my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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