omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
