Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
