i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
