my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
