I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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