you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
