you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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