oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
