he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
