i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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