put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
