If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
