I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me