if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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