What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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