Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
