he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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