This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
