You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
