so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
