apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
