nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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