We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
