What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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