i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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