Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
