I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
