woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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