Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
