You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
