Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
