failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
