I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
