My first STD was from a foam party
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
