i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
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I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
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Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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