I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
