That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
