They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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