Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
