Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
