dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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