Ambien. No doubt about it.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
