I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
