Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
