As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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