If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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