Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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