You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
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we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
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Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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