I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Found the puke drawer
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
